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Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I'm two snaps from a nervous breakdown (psychotic break I believe is the real term), and its only getting worse. About two weeks ago I started getting a rash on my face. I had to show it to my doctor because there is a small percentage of people who die from a rash from one of the medications I was taking. Neither of us wanted to take the chance. But the chance was very slim. I started my period, the weather changed, I have Rosacea, I was eating massive little candies left over from Halloween, and many other reasons why my face would've broke out and is still broke out, but he Dx'd me immediately and I have crashed.

I feel like my world is upside down. I'm constantly angry. If my husband doesn't drive in the right lane, I direct him. If he orders the wrong thing, I yell, I won't be surprised if this man up and leaves me. I would. I couldn't deal with me. On top of me getting worse by the day, my best friend decides to sketch out this weekend and cause a huge commotion in the household. Its fixed now, but it was stressing both of us out all weekend and making things worse.

That whole situation is fucked, and it all revolves around my pest of a sister in law. She can't just live peacefully, she has to have drama and fuck everyone over. Ugh. Anyway, I'm getting off track. So yeah, doc took me off my Lamictal and I feel like shit. It takes everything I have not to drink or just crawl into my bed and sleep the days away. I have school, well I had school to keep from doing that, but tomorrow is my last final. Now I don't know what I will do. I don't have nowhere to go, it will be very easy to fall into a bad sleep pattern and not give a fuck.

I have an appointment with Dr. H on Thursday, I'm going to share with him how I am feeling and stress to him that I need my mood stabilizer back. If not Lamictal, something. I'll even take Lithium and deal with the headaches if I have to.

I just hate hating me.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Opposite of my last entry, I'm feeling pretty high today. Not too high on life, but just hopeful. A lot of things are starting to turn around and look positive. I just hope I don't jinx myself for thinking it.

Last January, I began the year with a bang! I had an awesome outlook on life. I began school, I joined a gym, lost 30 pounds, and had excellent grades. I wasn't moping around or trying to hide from the planet. I would get up every morning at 6am, dress up, add makeup, drive to school an hour early to get a good parking spot, go to all of my class (had perfect attendance till March), come home, do homework, walk one mile every day, go to the gym, eat a salad and a small meal, and go to sleep with no problems. Then March happened. Every day was a battle. If I wasn't fighting with myself, I was fighting with a family member. Even though I began missing school like crazy, I still managed to keep my grades up. When Summer came, I hit the road. If you blinked on my last day of school, you would've missed me. I spent the summer in Virginia Beach and Philadelphia, anyway but here. I didn't want to come back. Since the thoughts of school kept entering my mind, I reluctantly came home.

This winter was even worse, between the custody battle of my niece and the fights with my husband, I thought I was going to lose my mind. The custody battle was a no win situation and my husband ended up coming home with conditions. He had a job waiting for him when he got here, that forgot to wait. Causing major money problems on top of the issues we already had from living together again. BestFriend really started becoming a problem as well, she had the winter blues and she couldn't shake them.

Its now the middle of November and I think there is a break in the clouds. I see a shimmer of light shining through. BestFriend not only took her placement test for college, she got a job, my medications are working, Husband is coming around emotionally, I may have a third income soon, my grades are excellent, and I feel alive. I failed my weight loss goal this year for obvious reasons, but I'm ready to make a new one. I'm ready for 2004, bring it on! I've even begun planning our next move (in the fall) and continuing my education.

I just pray I'm not spoiling our new found good luck. If it turns out to be the high end of Mania, I'll be so disappointed. I just need to stay positive. Please, please, please to anyone listening, don't let this be me kidding myself!

All is not perfect, but I have hope.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

I feel low.

But I have to remember that it is for a good reason. I had to go and get a title loan on my car. It sickens me, that it had to come to that. I feel like pond scum, No. . . Lower than pond scum. I can't believe that I couldn't budget enough in my life that it had to come down to this.

I've been broke before, but never felt helpless and broke. I always felt like I could borrow money from my Gramma, she would always bail me out if I needed it. I had too much pride to call her this time, and I just kept letting it go. The bills stacked up. Our rent is due, our phone got disconnected, the cable was days from being disconnected as well, my cat is sick, and I had to do something.

It was the only thing I could come up with. I hate borrowing from friends, I never want to ruin a friendship over money. I feel enough guilt over my Best Friend paying for everything the last month. So now I'm paying a hundred and fifty dollars interest on a small loan. Its disgusting.

I wish that I could just get a job. Even that is impossible.

The only light in this dark tunnel is my husband. We are still getting along, did Hell free over?

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Money...The root of all evil.

Things are better, emotionally. My husband and I are getting along better. Actually we've only shared negative words twice in three days, that is a truly amazing thing if you know us personally. We always fit about something, never too serious. But with him starting a new job, I've been trying to be as supportive as I can, and he's learning not to take shit out on me. That's a fair trade.

I'm not sure if I owe this new found tolerance to my meds or if I'm doing it myself, either way I'm grateful. Everything else going on is terrible, but at least my we are in these problems together.

Our biggest and worst enemy is money; the lack of it. We have no income till he gets his first check on the 20th and its killing us. Our phone has already been shut off, and I have to get rid of AOL, we just can't afford it. My best friend/roommate is helping us out tremendously, but she can only do so much! I feel terrible about how much she has given to us. She never makes me feel guilty or bad about it, I just do. I try to remember all the times I've taken care of her and it eases my guilt a little. We've been broke before, but this is definitely the lowest. Our rent was due yesterday and we don't have it. We've always paid on time, so I'm hoping our landlord takes that into consideration before she gives us the boot.

I've been sitting here trying to think of anything I can do to make money on the side. With my school schedule and his work schedule (and only one car), it makes it impossible for me to get a second job. Not to mention how terrible it is to find a job here. So I'm trying to look for babysitting or something. I thought about eBay, can't do that because we don't have a checking account. I would design websites for money, but no one really wants to pay me until I have my degree. I'd do just about anything at this point.

Got Ideas?



Tuesday, October 28, 2003

A Letter To Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil and Staff,

Recently I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disease (NOS). I have read a lot of books on mental health and I'm currently in talk therapy. I don't feel like I'm making much headway with my therapist and I don't communicate well with my doctor.

My life has always been chaotic, but its completely out of control now. I am currently back in school to create a better life for myself and my family, and I'm losing interest in that. My marriage is failing because I'm too controlling, I can't trust my husband, and I don't like sex. I'm obese and I don't like myself. I don't know how to maintain a "normal" life. Especially since noone in my family is really supporting me in my efforts to make myself better.

I would love to be on a show or watch a show on Bipolar/Depression/OCD. I feel that I could learn from Dr. Phil and his suggestions. I take a lot away from his current shows, but I haven't quite figured how to apply them to my life.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Truly Temperamental

Saturday, October 25, 2003

I've made a valid effort at improving my attitude and trying to remain at ground level for a few weeks now. I thought that I have accomplished this very well, but according to my asshole of a husband, I didn't. I'm not calling him an asshole because he disagreed with me, I am calling him an asshole because when he gets mad or upset with me that's when he throws it in my face. When he is fine with me, he tells me how good I am doing, then the minute he doesn't get his way or I nag him, BAM! I'm a bitch. I'm being over-dramatic and a terrible wife.

I have a sickness. I am bipolar. I am doing whatever I can physically and mentally do to live a normal life. If he doesn't want to be with me for better or for worse, he needs to get the hell out and move on. I can't do this alone. Actually, I can do it alone, but I can't do it when someone is using it against me. He doesn't even act like he remotely cares. I tried to get him to come to counseling with me, he doesn't want to. I tried to give him some literature on the disease (basically what it is, the symptoms, how to treat it, etc.) and he just made jokes about it. After asking him again, he said he would read it. Where is it? Sitting in my room on the floor. He has no intentions on reading it. He just thinks I can just change my mind when I'm in one of my moods and it will be okay. He thinks I have control over my emotions. I wish that were the case, I'd give anything for that to be the case.

I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I have a chronic illness caused by trauma to the head. How I made it this long in my life is said to be "amazing". I am a fighter and a survivor. I will get control of this and live as normal as I can. If everyone in my life can't deal with it, that's fine, that is on them, but I'm not going to let it slow me down. They need to get out of my life and stay out of it. There is no in-between with me. I see it as their loss. I have a lot of love to give.

To imagine, this entire fight started over loaning movies to his mother. Something that simple can be a step in getting divorced. If its meant to be, it will.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

I think I'm starting to feel somewhat like a real wife should feel. I'm no June Cleaver, but I could score better than Peg Bundy. This is the first time in years that my husband and I have lived together. I think we are both experiencing what is expected of us as a married couple. Slowly we are coming together and its making our relationship stronger. I have really enjoyed the last few weeks. We haven't been doing anything of any importance, but spending time together.

We have a lot in common, but one of his favorite things to do is play video games. I used to play when I was younger, but I haven't played much as an adult. Lately I've been making a conscience effort to try and play, so that we can have one more thing to do together. Its been a postive thing, I've actually been playing a lot. Some days we can sit for hours and play Crash Bandicoot or Silent Hill. In the month, together we beat: Crash Bandicoot 2 and 3, Silent Hill 1 and 2, and Clock Tower 3. Its been a lot of fun.

Now it is time to set the games on the side and get back into reality. After having ten days off from school, its time for me to buckle down and get back into school mode. He has been working on finding a job, and finally has one, and he is supposed to start his orientation tomorrow. Things are going to have to change back into "future" mode. I'm going to promise to try and set aside an hour out of the day for us to spend time together. We need that hour. Its going to take a lot of time to make up for the time we spent apart. His job won't be helping much, being that he will work from 4 - 1am, and I go to school during the day. He is doing whatever it takes to keep us afloat. I'm very proud of him for humbling himself to work where he is going. He's taking a huge decrease in pay for us to be together again. He may even have to take a second job, just so I can finish school. Sometimes I just want to choke him, but I do . . . truly love him.

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